holiday exhaustion.

I keep waiting for something profound to strike me before I write here. I don’t know why. Back when I used to blog almost daily, I wrote about the most mundane things and didn’t care if they were interesting our not. Now I feel this pressure to be funny or witty or interesting, and it has me blocked. I need to get over that and just write whatever comes to mind. So here we are.

Of course, the election was a profound moment, but to be honest, I just didn’t feel like commenting on it. I went to Brown and live in San Francisco – I think you know how I voted. This election was weird for me. Back in 2008 and 2012, I remember watching the polls come in and being excited and full of hope and wonder. I cried tears in NYC when Obama won in 2008, sitting in the apartment of one of my oldest and dearest friends, unable to believe that a black man was going to be our President. This year, I just felt scared. I voted for Hillary, but I was so nervous about the potential craziness that could go down regardless of the results. I told my friends I didn’t want to be around anyone, and skipped the various election parties I had been invited to. The fear was real – I didn’t know what the crazy Trump supporters would do if he won or if he lost. Even living in San Francisco, as a black woman, I know that racist bigots are lurking in every corner of this country – I don’t trust anyone. Instead, I opted to spend the night with a smoking hot personal trainer (clearly, I have a f*ckbuddy type) – smoking up and doing lots of dirty things. By the time I got home, chaos had ensued and it was clear that *that man* was going to win. I talked to my best friend and my parents on the phone and then went to sleep before they even called it, since at that point I knew what was going to happen.

I’m exhausted, to be honest. I haven’t had a free moment to myself in a month. Everything has been travel, friends and family visiting, more travel, work. The introvert in me is screaming out for alone time. Now, I’m flying back to New York, for what will likely be the weirdest Thanksgiving ever. I’m the only child coming home, and we won’t have any guests. So that means me, my mom, my dad, and their two Chinese high school exchange students (both named Tony, btw – my parents have a strange life) will be sitting around the table this year. To be honest, though – I think it’ll be nice. No drama. Just me and the parental units. I get to see some old friends and even go to a wedding. I’m looking forward to getting away from the chaos and batshit nature of my life in SF right now. Happy holidays, everyone!

31.

I turned 31 on September 22nd. It’s weird. I still have the impulse to claim I’m 30 when people ask, and I have to correct myself constantly. This was one of the most ridiculous years of my adult life and it isn’t even over yet. Let’s see – I left a company I’d worked at since I graduated from college. I started a new job at a different company. To put it mildly, it was not a fit, and I literally quit a job without having another job, which you’re not supposed to do. Then, within my two weeks notice, I got another job because I’m a motherfucking hustler. So here we are.

That was just my work life. Let’s see what else has gone down. I met a guy shortly after my 30th birthday. I liked him. We had a good time. He did not like me, though, and got married 6 months later to someone who doesn’t even live in this country. I wallowed. I curled up into a ball and prayed for death. Then I stopped wallowing. I dated a bunch of dudes over the summer and had a couple of international hookups to soothe my soul. It mostly worked, although I’m still single as fuck with not a prospect in sight.

The good was really good, though. I traveled – a lot. I went to Mexico at the end of last year. This year, I went to Comic Con, Jazz Fest, Vegas, snowshoeing in Oregon. Internationally, I got to go to Amsterdam, Cuba, the Amalfi Coast, Dublin, London. I adopted two cats and somehow managed to keep them alive. I saw Beyonce in concert and got my motherfucking life. My brother got married, and I got to reunite with my whole family.

Turning 30 was a massive undertaking, so I decided to tone it down for 31. I celebrated in Baltimore (which I’m now obsessed with) with my best friend, who graciously hosted me, made me chili, threw a party in my honor, and took me around the city. One of my high school besties came down to visit, and it was nice to be surrounded by people I can be my real self with. Also, as someone who plans ALL the time – in my personal life and my job, it was so nice to have someone else take care of everything. I loved not having to think about anything. It was blissful. I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.

So what have I learned in my year of 30? To put it in a nutshell – life is too short to be unhappy and you should know your motherfucking worth. If something makes you upset, if it drains you of your energy, if you wake up feeling like you don’t know how you got here – get the fuck out! I’m not advocating for everyone to just drop everything and run away willy nilly, but honestly – make plans to change the thing that is bothering you. I’ve had a lot of people take issue with my recent career woes – both to my face and behind my back. Leaving two successful companies and having three jobs in one year. Constantly striving to find my place and looking for something that’s going to make me happy. Look – I’ve got a lot of faults and if refusing to settle is one of them, then I cop to that. I want to be happy, and I don’t understand the notion of suffering in silence. Fuck that. I worked too damn hard to get here. I’m STILL paying Sallie Mae for my education – both my own loans AND my parents loans. I’m good at what I do. I’m tired of people thinking that they need to settle for mediocrity and unhappiness. I’m especially tired of people telling women, especially fat black women, that we should take whatever scraps are handed to us. I’ve worshipped at the altar of so many bullshit things for too long – I’m done with it. Because I want to be happy, I want to be loved, I want to be fulfilled, I want to be challenged, I want to be respected and valued. So I will continue to do whatever the hell I need to do until all those needs are met and to quote Dr. Dre – if y’all don’t like me, blow me.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s what it feels like to be firmly in your 30s. # of fucks given = 0.