priorities.

I am suffering from some major vacation withdrawal. I’ve been go-go-go for the past month – with a combo of vacations and work trips. Now, I’m finally “settling down” for a summer in SF, and I feel incredibly antsy and conflicted.

My life has always been a study in contradictions. The complexities of my being both excite and frustrate me. I am a shy girl who loves to shock people – I enjoy being perceived in one way, letting you think you know me, and then BAM – I bust out something surprising. I am an introverted homebody, who also loves to party, dance, drink, and flirt with boys. I play up my cold ice queen persona, yet I am extremely emotional. It’s a roller coaster sometimes, and it’s all starting to come to a head for me right now.

I’ve never known a life that wasn’t full of achievement. From a young age, I worked hard to be the best and the brightest, to gain as many accolades as I could, stacking up accomplishment after accomplishment. Yet, I look at all the things that I have achieved and while, yes, I am proud of myself, I also don’t know if I’m really all that happy. Is this all worth it? Really, truly worth it? Am I living my best life? I honestly don’t know.

I struggle with the idea of settling down vs. the idea of being a nomad forever. There’s something about constant exploration and always moving that really does excite me. I love to travel, and I adore visiting new places and meeting new people. I’ve lived in San Francisco for 6 years – really the longest I’ve been anywhere besides my hometown – and I feel restless. On the one hand, I want a husband and children and a home. On the other hand, I want freedom and travel and new experiences. I don’t like the idea of sacrificing anything. I want everything just the way I want it.

I had my tarot cards read recently, a habit I indulge in about two or three times a year. The reader told me the door hasn’t closed for me in regards to children and that I don’t necessarily need a partner to be a mother. She also challenged me to think about what kind of mother I want to be – traditional or avant garde. That I could be whatever I wanted to be. I guess I never really thought about it in that way. I’ve always just imagined that I would have kids and raise them the way I was raised, in a two-parent home in a suburban town. I’d never really opened myself up to the possibility of something different. Yet, I think I do want something different. What that something is, I’m unsure of. I know I want a partner to help me raise my children, but I don’t have to settle for suburban doldrums. I can want – no, I can have more.

I’m basically just rambling right now, but 2016 has been an interesting year for me. I can feel myself inching closer and closer to learning what it is that I truly want. I’ve always believed in myself – that I could have anything I put my mind to. The problem I face now is that I have no idea what it is that I want. But, trust me when I tell you – once I figure it out, I will get it. I have no doubt about that.